A man has been kicked out by his wife after tattooing a comedy penis – on his OWN LEG.
Hapless Stuart Valentino inked the six-and-a-half inch member on his left thigh, so the end pokes out of his boxer shorts.
The home-made love-length has caused no end of trouble for the 34-year-old, and caused his wife Samantha to kick him out of their family home in Southsea, Hants..
The lorry driver, and father-of-four, said: “My wife hates it. In retrospect, I’m not surprised, it really is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.
“After I did it, my wife woke up in the morning screaming, because there was this massive penis poking out of the duvet. And the tattoo on my leg.
“It caused no end of rows, and she’s now kicked me out of home. I deserve it, I suppose.”
Wife of two years Samantha, 35, bought her stupid husband the tattoo gun as a Christmas present – and immediately regretted the decision when Stuart got drunk and permanently inked the crude willy on his thigh.
The drunken high-jinx sparked a series of bitter rows when Sam was forced to cancel holiday plans with their daughter Ayla, three.
Gutted Stuart was also banned from taken his daughter swimming because of the obscene inking on his leg.
He said: “After a boozy night me and my mate Danny both stupidly agreed to get the tattoos done on our legs.
“Danny chickened out when he saw mine, but there was nothing I could do at that point.”
The father, who has other inkings across his arms and legs, said: “I didn’t realise how it would hinder my life.
“We had just begun taking our three-year-old daughter swimming, and I could no longer get involved because it looked as though my penis was poking out.”
“We wanted to plan a holiday, but the penis would be sticking out and when I was in boxer shorts it was a constant reminder to Samantha of how stupid I had been.”
Sam – mother to kids Callum, 16, Luke, 12, and Lana, 11 – from a previous relationship – ended their marriage last month, after almost seven solid months of rowing.
Stuart added: “We argued non-stop. It would cost nearly £1,000 to remove, something that could have been spent on a family holiday.
“Finally last month, Samantha announced she couldn’t take it any longer, and left me.
“I had no idea that a joke could ruin my life. I’m devastated I’ve lost my family, and frustrated with myself. I can’t blame anyone else.
“I have a constant reminder poking out of my shorts every day of how stupid I’ve been.”
Stuart appeared on ITV1 reality show Judge Rinder in June to discuss his unsightly tattoo – even prompting guffaws from the usually straight-faced criminal law barrister.
The lorry driver has previously earned himself the title of ‘world’s most annoying husband’ after playing daily pranks and gags on his family – and uploading them to YouTube.
He played tricks on cleaner Sam since their very first date after meeting in a nightclub six years ago.
His family were often the unwitting stars of his videos, one of which sees him spend the whole weekend slapping his family with a fish and drawing a monkey face on his sleeping wife’s bottom.
His tricks have racked up 300,000 You Tube views since he started sharing them after he got married in 2013.
Stuart once pretended to eat cat excrement – fake – which made his long-suffering wife instantly vomit. But the penis etching is one joke too far.
Stuart said: “I’ve been a d***-head.”