If you are going through a divorce and have children, their emotional well-being will be at the forefront of your mind. While you may have considered trying to salvage your marriage for their benefit, staying together for this reason will not usually offer them an advantage. That said, splitting up the family can have a significant impact on a child’s mental health so it’s worth taking the time to look at the positive steps you can take to minimise the impact of your divorce on your children.
The potential impact of divorce on young people
It’s important to remember that every child is different and will respond to your divorce in their own unique way, but generally speaking, their response will likely fall in line with the developmental stage they are at.
- Very young children
According to research, babies can ‘pick up’ on the behaviour and emotions of their parents with their feelings influenced by their parents’ feelings. When they reach around 8-18 months, they begin to demonstrate more distress when separated from one of their parents. Also, if a child is spending equal time with parents in different homes, their sleep and meal schedules will become temporarily disrupted. This may result in a more insecure attachment and difficulties when experiencing new people and places.
- Primary school aged children
School-aged children will have an increased level of understanding about their parents’ divorce. Although they won’t fully comprehend the varying reasons behind their parents’ separation, they may still interpret the event as ‘their fault’ and feel a sense of abandonment and loss.
- Adolescents and teenagers
Psychology Today says more independent-minded adolescents can pull away from childhood and parents as a result of divorce. Adolescent independence can be propelled due to the perceived realisation that marriages can end, love doesn’t last and the happiness of parents comes first. Lots of research also points to a dip in academic performance for some children of divorced parents, as well as some social problems such as risky behaviour with alcohol or drugs.
Helping children during your divorce: what you can do
Despite the potential negative effects on your children, there are some steps you can take to alleviate the impacts:
Don’t put your children in a compromising position
Involving a child of any age in your divorce is a definite no -no. Although the context of your divorce may be frustrating, asking your child to relay messages to their other parent, or discussing financial or practical conflicts related to your separation, depending on their age, your child is likely to feel fearful, anxious and uncomfortable.
Promote positive relationships
Demonstrate positive communication to your children and let them witness the constructive relationship you have with your ex. This will serve a strong model for your child in the future and can help them build their self-esteem. Minimising conflict with your ex will alleviate the distress they feel when there is anger and hostility between their parents.
Parent consistently
Just because you are divorcing doesn’t mean that you should not put in place the usual boundaries for your children. Providing consistent parenting and discipline will make your children feel more secure and in the long -run it will help reduce poor behavior.
Keep dialogue open
Although you shouldn’t go into the details of your divorce to your child, talking to them about how they are feeling and preparing them for change will help them. It will convey that it is healthy to exchange thoughts and feelings and help them learn positive coping mechanisms for the future.
Seek professional help
Sourcing the support of professional therapists and groups should not be a last resort. Specialised support programmes designed for parents to help their child through divorce and separation can be particularly helpful. Talking therapies and counselling can help your child talk openly yet confidentially about how they feel about your divorce.
In conclusion, protecting the mental health of your child during divorce and steering them away from the potential negative consequences requires an individual yet comprehensive approach. Keep them away from conflict, establish open dialogue, be prepared to seek professional advice and be consistent.